So Pas texted me tonight asking what advice I would give to my 15 year old self. I have no idea why she asked this but I gave it some good solid thought on my dreary bus ride home. So much thought in fact that it has turned into my next blog post. Turns out there is a LOT of stuff I want to tell my young, dumbass self. Mum – I do apologise in advance, read on at your own peril.

I would probably start with such things as ‘do not lose your virginity to a skinny moron with braces a week before you sit your School C exams’ but you’ve heard that story so we’ll move swiftly on. Probably closely followed by ‘smoking that much pot will turn you into a giant fucktard. It will severely hinder your learning ability, cause you to nearly fail your 6th Form exams and lastly (but clearly most importantly), make you fat. Not just a couple of kgs here and there fat but over a dress size, unrecognisable-in-photos fat’. Now that fate would terrify any 16 year old girl.

‘Stealing your friends boyfriend is not cool, even if she claims not to like him that much. She’s LYING and she will spend every lunch time and free period endeavouring to make your life a living hell (and deservedly so). There is a BFF code for a reason. Adhere to it’.

Here’s a doozy: ‘Don’t bother wasting 2 years of your life pining after that beautiful boy with the long hair a year above you in school. Countless hours will be whittled away singing out of tune to songs about unrequited love through rivers of tears, writing ferociously in your diary about how it feels like a thousand daggers have impaled your heart. You will eventually find out he has a penis the size of your little finger and finally understand the true meaning behind the saying ‘size does matter’ and that love is fairly conditional when you are 17′.

I recently discovered the diary I’d written in my teenage years, Jesus H. Christ, anyone would think my life was a hopeless sea of despair, an endless road of pain and suffering, that I was a misunderstood young woman meant for so much more than a three bedroom house in the burbs with my nuclear family and cat called Smudge (God rest your soul Smudgey). ‘The explanation for this can be summed up in one word, hormones. They will plague you for the rest of your life and once a month, turn you into an insufferable hell-beast so best get used to it.’

‘Your Mum and Dad weren’t lying when they said that one day your little brother would be bigger and stronger than you and will get his revenge. What they didn’t tell you was that your little brother was well into WWE wrestling and if you uttered one word to his dissatisfaction, he’d have you in the Walls of Jericho so fast you won’t know what hit you. The Walls of Jericho hurt. Bad. For the love of God don’t mess with your brother.’

Speaking of brother. ‘He will have friends, some of which you find attractive and you’re pretty sure find you attractive. You’ll torment him with the ever-present threat that you may sleep with one of his friends. What you probably don’t realise is that 17 years down the track you’ll actually make good on this threat. It’s ok though because this person was always meant to come back into your life and he will make you happier than you’d ever thought possible. Thanks Bro’.

‘You will have a best friend who’s been with you your whole life and will continue to be around to this very day. She is fucking insane. But you love her and you always will. Don’t worry that you drift apart from time to time and that you have such savage fights during which she pinches you with her toes so hard it draws blood and you attempt to scratch her eyes out. It will all be ok in the end. You’ll pash each other for attention, booze and free pizza and not bat an eyelid because your friendship is solid and booze and pizza is EVERYTHING. You will envy the living shit out of each other and not really know it until you’re mature enough to have an adult conversation. You will fight over boys, none of which are worth it and you will laugh about it later. You will have a friendship so rare and so enduring that you can pretty much go through anything and come out the other end together. Oh and you will grow up and write a blog.’

Nic xx

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