I’ve sat here blankly staring at this screen for a good portion of time trying to figure out where the fuck to begin with this topic. I guess the fact that anxiety sucks a rather large bag of dicks goes without saying but I’ll say it anyway! I wanted to write about this because I’ve had numerous conversations, lately and throughout my life, with people who suffer from some form of anxiety AND DO NOT TALK ABOUT IT. It’s not until I say that I’ve struggled with it for most of my adult life that people open up and admit that they have too. A lot of people are quite shocked when I tell them that there have been times when I’ve been so consumed by panic that I can barely move, or that I’ve rolled up at A&E because I have had a sharp pain in my side and convinced myself I was experiencing Kidney failure and was about to die (when in fact I was diagnosed with an acute case of trapped wind. Yes. That happened). The general consensus is that because I’m outwardly carefree, chilled, happy and confident that I couldn’t possibly suffer from something like anxiety. WRONG!! Anyone can and it’s a hell of a lot more common than you’d think. It also doesn’t mean that the person is mental / abnormal / out of control / irrational as some ignorant ass-hats may think.
My personal view and experience of it is that anxiety arises when your subconscious is trying to bring something to your awareness that needs addressing. It’s your body and mind’s way of saying that there is something unresolved that’s holding you back in life. For example, the last time I got extreme anxiety was because I was seeing someone that was completely wrong for me but I’d convinced myself he was ‘the one’ out of fear of being alone. I ignored the niggly, nagging doubt and pushed it away until my brain was like ‘Ok if you’re not going to listen to me, I’m going to put you into full shutdown mode and make sure you can’t function normally as a human being…sucker’. And that’s what happened. I became a potato for like an entire week. I couldn’t get out of bed and even things like going to the toilet, eating and cleaning were tasks with a difficulty level akin to parting the red sea (although, let’s face it, cleaning is always way too hard for me…and no, before you ask I did not shit the bed). Long story short, I eventually faced up to reality and stopped making decisions because I was terrified of the alternative and the suffocating feeling went away, I regained my ability to function and became my normal, smiling, happy, loud and offensive self again. I’ve also found that sometimes, there just is no reason for it and the sneaky little bastard creeps up on you when you’re feeling on top of the world. In this case I now literally just think ‘meh’ and carry on with my shit. Very clinical description there, I know but that’s the best way I can explain it. Sometimes not giving it any power makes it go away.
I’ve touched on some of the symptoms of anxiety but I shall walk you through some more for both educational and entertainment value. Apart from the paralysing fear, cold sweats, sense of impending doom and feeling like your heart’s going to explode, in time it actually turns you full retard. Your brain function diminishes to that of an amoeba and you lose a large portion of motor and cognitive skills, leading to a complete inability to adult…whatsoever. This could include but is not limited to: completely missing your mouth when you’re trying to eat / drink, bashing into stuff (such as walls, coffee tables, parked cars, other people), walking round in circles because you’ve forgotten what you’re meant to be doing and where you are, staring vacantly at someone who has asked you a question about a minute ago whilst desperately trying to figure out how to speak at the same time as praying that you are spared the humiliation of actually dribbling on yourself, putting your undies on inside out or forgetting to put any on altogether, lovingly placing the kettle back in the fridge and wondering who’s broken into your house and stolen it the next time you want to make a coffee (btw all TOTALLY hypothetical….). So yeah, you get the picture.
I guess I just thought I’d share a bit of my experience (and embarrassment) and say that opening up and talking about it has actually helped me a great deal. I’m as happy as a pig in shit right now and even then I get worried about things from time to time. So don’t judge yourself if you do feel rubbish sometimes and know that it is totally possible to work through it. And maybe keep a spare pair of undies at work just in case.
– Nic xx