My ponderings recently have led me to think about the plethora of unthinkably stupid questions I get asked as I try to go about my life. Here are a few of the choicest, handpicked for your entertainment.

Why aren’t you married?

Because, asshole, I have not yet met a person I choose to spend the entirety of my life with. That’s a looooong time and I would very much like to experience it with someone who doesn’t make me want to put my head in a blender.

Why don’t you have kids?

Kids? Pretty much same answer as above. Ideally the father of my children won’t make me want to do the head-blending thing and in the mean time I don’t reaaaaally want to have to steal some poor unsuspecting lads sperm in order to cater to my desiccating ovaries.

Thanks for asking though.

Why don’t you like goat’s cheese?

I get asked this a surprising amount and my answer varies but is always along the lines of: ‘Apart from the fact that goats are the devil’s creatures, it tastes like you’re eating a tinea infested sock that has been mummified in the great pyramids since the dawn of time.’

What’s wrong with you?

What’s right with me, NEXT!!

 Why aren’t you fat when you eat like a horse?

Because the Gods of genetics have blessed me with an efficiently fast metabolism. I am thankful for this every single day as it means I can abuse my body with as many sugary, calorific and carb-a-licious treats as I damn well want and I won’t put on (much) weight. I will probably die from myocardial infarction at age 40 but I’ll still be a size 10 motherfuckers!!

 Why don’t you wear heels more often?

Because I’m nearly 5 foot fucking 10 IN FLATS!! If I wore 6 inch stilettos, I would literally be a lumbering, Amazonian behemoth towering over 95% of the population and spending most of my time attempting not to decapitate myself in doorways. Besides that, I’m pretty sure that no one wants to spend an entire evening staring up my nasal cavity.

Wow, you’re funny….for a chick eh?

I realise this is not really a question but I threw it in the mix as it never fails to amuse me. Every time I hear someone utter the words, ‘you’re funny’, I wait…one beat, two beats….‘for a girl’ AND THERE IT IS!! Classic. I’m no feminist but it would be nice to be thought of as funny full stop, apparently though, possessing a cock and balls is the biggest pre-requisite for a sense of humour. I wish someone had told that to some of the earth-shatteringly boring, witless idiots I’ve come across on Tinder lately. They obviously missed that particular memo.

Do you know how beautiful / amazing you are?

Now this may sound ungrateful and most woman are aghast but in reality, this feckless idiot has put you in an impossible position. If you tell the truth and say ‘well actually yes, I know exactly where on the spectrum of beautiful / amazing I am as, funnily enough, I’ve been stuck with myself for nearly 34 years now’ the level of arrogant twattery you’ll portray is unparalleled. If you say no, you’ll be a) lying and b) letting yourself in for the diatribe of compliments that will inevitably follow and wish you were standing in a sinkhole because as much as we all love compliments, they are fucking awkward. What do you say?? Do you deny their compliment, which makes them try harder and you get embroiled in a mortifying exchange of ‘no, I’m not beautiful and amazing’, ‘yes you are beautiful and amazing’ until one of you throws yourself down the stairs to make it stop. OR do you give them a compliment back, knowing full well that it’s going to seem like the only reason you’re doing it is because they have given you one. Knowing me, I’d probably completely lose all brain function and parrot back to them that they are beautiful too, which to a man is probably akin to being called ‘cute’, or ‘nice’, or maybe ‘sensitive’ (gasp) aka a one-way, fast track ticket to the friend zone. I’ve come to the firm conclusion that a humble ‘thank you’ then a swift change of subject normally suffices in these situations.

What do you like to do in your spare time?

I feel like any person that would ask this question should definitively NEVER know what I truly like to do in my spare time. Like an interview. ‘Well that’s an easy one Sharon, I simply love going out and getting so maggoted on Sauvignon Blanc that I can’t remember my own name, lock myself out of my house and end up crying myself to sleep on my balcony’. Or ‘I really enjoy a good seeing to now and then, when was the last time you had a good cock Sharon?’. Another favourite, ‘I like to spend quality time with my friends engaging in intellectual conversations over dinner such as ‘sharting’ and ‘dogging’, have you heard of dogging Sharon?’

What is your blog about? 

I’ve been writing this for a good few months now and can never accurately articulate wtf it is I write about. I made the mistake of arrogantly calling myself a ‘writer’ in my Tinder profile and nek minute I get all these poets and literary geniuses matching with me and I’m all like ‘um soz, my writing repertoire is limited to horrifying dating experiences, terrible life decisions, reality TV shows and booze #wifematerial!’

I’ll leave you with those gems, until next time!

 

– Nic xx

 

 

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