Dating in this day and age is a nightmare, we eat, breathe and consume digital technology so it’s only a natural progression for dating to become digital too. Now throw in the extra special ingredient of being a single parent and you have yourself a fucking horror show.
Dating as a single parent has its own set of problems; do you tell your date about your child straight away only for them to run for the hills without even giving awesome you a chance?, do you risk the inevitable awkward justification conversations such as “no I am not looking for a new daddy for my son, it’s just that sometimes mummy wants a special friend” or do you just keep it all on the D-low until he’s hooked and then casually throw in “oh you’re so funny, by the way I have a kid…”
I love my son more than anything so don’t get me wrong here but sometimes I look at him and especially when he’s being the kid from hell I think to myself “does being a loving mum to him mean that I have to sacrifice any sort of physical or emotional connection with an adult”, “is this my life now until my son is 16 and moves out of home”?
Is it a crime that all of us single parents don’t see our futures involving crochet, 10 cats and binge watching grey’s anatomy re-runs?
Don’t get me wrong, I am not a desperate old spinster yet but with this in mind I decided that surely nice, non-headfucked guys sans mummy issues exist but where the fuck are they because so far I have found that men in my old age range of 33 fall into these categories: Gay, Married Happily, Married and looking for side ass or single and terrified of anything that spells more letters than DTF!
My usual approach for most things in life is to wing it but this dating stuff is serious business – you are judged on appearance first and foremost and strong tinder game second so you better put your best foot forward, with this in mind I wrote my profile, put up my favourite sober photos and was ready for the men to fly at me like locusts. The main issue I have with this whole tinder thing is that nobody ever fucking speaks to you – what is the point of matching with someone only to have a Mexican standoff?
So perhaps I am doing it wrong, maybe instead of thinking I might actually meet a potential partner on here I decided that what would be very nice would be to meet someone to have some fun with, drink some wine with, have some laughs with and go on a bloody date with. With this in mind I decided to increase my odds by doing these three things; 1. Give up the Mexican standoff and be the first one to make contact (even though I think the man should make an effort), 2. Lower my expectations and 3. Lower my standards (he might be having a bad photo day, I am sure he has a great personality) well with these in place you can imagine how this is going to work out for me right.
After a few days of furiously swiping at pretty much anything non-blinding and three finger callouses later I had myself a few solid matches.
One guy I matched with seemed ok and although I wasn’t particularly attracted to him there was something very familiar about him. We started messaging and it turns out we knew each other in high school. He asked me out for a drink and I thought why the hell not – this is what I wanted; someone to go for a drink with, some genuine conversation and in this case there’s no pressure and no expectations.
I do however suffer from foot in mouth syndrome and am not always the most tactful conversationalist. I was already a tad nervous as he seemed a little awkward via text and a bit skittish so how would he fare with a fiercely opinionated, extroverted social butterfly that thrives in group situations and has the mouth of a drunken sailor. Brilliant this should be a fucking nightmare.
To keep this fairly short and sweet and hopefully as inoffensive as possible I will gloss over the whole night with a few special treats of the night.
Date night is upon me and I walk into the bar (early so I can pre-drink) and begin my swift descent into the glorious warmth of vodka shots and corona chasers. My perception about this date is about as skewed as a cat in a paper bag. He walks in and I almost miss him he’s so damn short – instantly regretting the three inch heels. We greet awkwardly and sit down in a corner booth and the conversation begins on what can only be described as a fast moving bullet of back and forth bullshit. He couldn’t maintain eye contact as many times as I tried to hold his gaze, he just kept talking about the most random insane shit and I was barely able to contribute to the conversation before he was off on the next tangent. I managed a weakly timed joke about my penchant for chloroform on first dates which was ill received and responded to with a partially serious “are you on any medication”? and so I did what anyone on a precarious date would do; I drank and I drank fast.
The date wasn’t as atrocious as I had expected, I mean he was able to hold conversation even if I couldn’t and I was pretty sure he wasn’t a serial killer. He even seemed happy enough even when I mentioned we should call my best friend and invite her down to join this party…yes big dating faux pas I know, but I was in party mode by this point and rearing to go. I did, however, fail to notice he was not drinking while i spent the evening smashing back Vodka like it was my last night on earth. The poor guy was clearly taken aback and cautiously mentioned his departure as he “had work in the morning”, i still managed to deliver one final assault, as he leans in for a hug goodbye I extend my hand and shake his and say “thanks for the night, it was nice to meet you, see ya later” and I promptly turn my attention back towards Nicole and my drink. We continued drinking and ended up meeting a group of people and had a fabulous night.
So its safe to say I haven’t clocked tinder but please take comfort in my fails,these are some of my tinder date experiences so far, so you can understand my extreme hesitation in putting myself through it again.
- The guy that showed up late to our date dressed in Plaid sporting his own unique Eau de B.O., the conversation was drier than a nuns panties and I was left imagining if the bar walls would look better in taupe or burgundy.
- Friendly chatty guy who seemed totally normal until about two drinks in when he decided to share with me his special features aka his abnormally long fingers on one hand (think E.T) and then asked me if I found myself picturing what he could use them for. Uurghh Next !
- Guy who thought sending dick picks pre-date was an appropriate form of communication.
- Sweet Policeman guy who I thought might have been a potential until the first kiss and then I did my ass grab thing and felt a carpet…still I was willing to overlook that because Nair! but he took off anyway.
So I think it is safe to safe that Tinder and I will not be on speaking terms again for a while.
Peace Out.
-Pas X