There is not enough coffee in the world to make getting out of bed a pleasant experience. To say mornings in my household are just a clusterfuck at warp speed is an understatement.
Here’s how a typical weekday morning looks for me:
6.30am Child Shaped Alarm named Hunter yells out “I’m ready, wake up mummy, have you had a good nap or I’m stuck” (or any variation of these things), I typically respond with a pleasant sounding grunt or vague reply and shove my head under the pillow cursing the sleep gods or sand man or whoever forgot to bless my son with the loves to sleep in gene. So just as I think I’ve got this hiding from the world thing sussed and can go back to sleep for another 30 mins (yes I wouldn’t have time issues if I got up earlier but that means going to bed earlier and NO!) Footsteps approach my room at a speed only rodents on crack can identify with and boom a sweet crack to the face with Rabbit or Nice (child alarm’s fav toys) or if I’m particularly slow a sweet thunder crack to one of my extremities that didn’t heed the footstep warning and is still in child alarm’s reach.
“Ok mummy’s up baby, I’ll just make coffee and turn on cartoons aka chew choob kids (his way of saying YouTube kids) while I make Weetbix” I drag my sorry ass to the kitchen and no sooner have I landed one foot in the kitchen and before I’ve even turned on the kettle and plonked down his bowl on the counter then the timer starts and I have approx. 15 seconds to turn on the kettle, get said bowl and reach the Weetbix, put it in the bowl, fill the bowl with milk and microwave it for 25 seconds before the miserable screeching, howling and whining begins – you may have noticed I’ve started off on the back foot already and I haven’t even made my litre of coffee yet . On a side note if anyone has invented a way to mainline coffee I will happily be your test subject. There is always far too much blood in my caffeine stream.
Once that Weetbix bowl is placed in front of the now annoyingly loud impatient child, a sweet yelp of joy replaces the wailing and I am confronted by a sweet angel face with a smile that butter wouldn’t melt. Right so now I can make my coffee and proceed to unglue my eyelids as the caffeine works its magic on my body. With a quick glance at the clock I am reminded of how little time I have left and how much shit I still need to achieve and this is where things get particularly hairy….If this process, including my super coffee skulling has taken too much time then I am faced with my next dilemma – to shower or not to shower?
Now before you judge me or make a screwed up face and think I’m an unhygienic beast just hold off a second…Many of my fellow mums have faced this battle and even some of you I am sure. I wish to state for the record I am a very clean person everything except my mind that is haha but I digress, I usually premeditate this with a shower in the evening so technically some days are two shower days and others are fuck this shit I can’t adult and don’t have time days. Cleanliness is not godliness it’s just wasting my precious morning coffee time. So I calculate the time it will take me to wash my body, wash my hair, shave my legs (depending if I will be going for a run later), shave the pits, dry myself and get dressed – ladies as you well know this is a process in itself and the hot water on our skin can lead to a little thing I like to call –resting in the shower. This is where you let that hot water run over you and you close your eyes and imagine yourself in a beautiful hot tub far far away from reality and you immerse yourself in the moment and minutes and your body and mind will not let you get out of that shower yet. And then you’re running late for work.
Once the magical shower has or has not taken place there is dressing to be done – mine and child’s. I usually race around the house trying to find the item that in my head was definitely in one place and is now not and nothing will do as a substitute because fat day . In my mad rush as I am leaping around the place tripping over dastardly pointy lego and hotwheels and other obstacles hunter has carefully placed in my way I don’t even blink at the knowledge I am probably giving my alcoholic neighbours a sweet view of my goods – yes I usually lose my towel at some point in this blind dash and yes I forget the curtains are open a good bit and yes my son won’t be scarred by my full monty house sprints but he will have some embarrassing memories if not lasting blindness I am sure.
Right So I am dressed, I have won the getting dressed battle with Hunter, it’s a very simple tool I use called bribery “if you come get dressed now mummy will give you a treat after daycare/let you watch chew choob kids after daycare etc” you get the point ha and it usually works as his brain mostly forgets these bribes by 5.30pm. Some days I don’t even have to battle it out, some days he can just tell that mummy can’t handle the day. I feel it’s of vital importance to note that I am under pressure each morning and I achieve my routine with a time limit of 45 mins and the days I get us out the door before those 45 mins are up are very good days . And don’t start again with the “but why don’t you get up earlier”? judgey thoughts…because NO ! I love my sleep and I don’t want to give it up and you can’t make me. AND all you fellow mammas out there know that when your little angel of chaos is fast asleep is when your long ass day finally ends and you get to relax and have some me/you time and that shit is sacred my friends – it is not up for negotiation and so I stay up not overly late but I stay up past 9.30 and I read, I text, I google shit, I watch TV, I drink wine and I do all the things a normal adult without a child takes for granted but without leaving the house haha.
Don’t even get me started on the perils of dating as a single parent…That is best left for another post when my eyes aren’t hanging out of my head in sheer mum-xhaustion.