I am 33 years old. ‘Thirty three??’ I hear you say ‘but you look like you’ve been kissed by the eternal fountain of youth and you have the maturity of a 12 year old’ (Ok I made the first part up to make myself feel better. People don’t say that).
As an adult I thought I would be sipping on a fine red at an evening soiree, discussing important historical, cultural and political events. Not guzzling down any alcohol I can get my hands on like the world’s supply is about to run out, regurgitating some mindless drivel about the latest episode of ‘The Real Housewives of Auckland’ and then falling asleep in a kebab.
This got me thinking about my other behaviours that I naively thought may have lessened with the wisdom that age is supposed to bring and (in true millennial style) I have put together a list:
ONE: Being wildly amused by toilet humour. Farting will never ever ever ever stop being funny. And who doesn’t want to hear the story about how you very nearly shat yourself in the Cambodian jungle because you made a poor life choice and consumed the tap water?
TWO: Having no sense of financial responsibility. None. Nada. I don’t own a house or have any investments and have only just started paying towards a pension however that Mulberry handbag and pair of Christian Louboutins that will never see the light of day because wearing them is akin to the pain and torture of Chinese foot binding? Now those I must have.
THREE: Wasting hours of my precious life on utter twattery. To illustrate this point I am going to list my recent internet history:
- Watch the bachelor – Season 19 episode 1
- Watch the bachelor – Season 19 Episode 2
- Watch the bachelor…ok you get the picture, I’m now up to episode 9.
- Netflix (x 1 billion)
- How to boil an egg perfectly
- Ninja training school Tokyo (to put this in context I am actually going to Japan, in case you thought I’d had a complete breakdown of all mental functions)
- How much alcohol can I drink without pushing my health insurance premium through the roof (shouldn’t really admit this considering I work for an insurance company)
- Fecal or Faecal – spelling
- Facebook stalk of ex boyfriend number one (nothing noteworthy, must totally be crying himself to sleep, listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart on repeat whilst clutching a crinkled photograph of him and I in our happier days)
- Facebook stalk of ex boyfriend number two (new girlfriend but she’s not as pretty as me so the blow is marginally softened)
- Facebook stalk of weird girl I went to school with who I swear is somewhere on the spectrum (HOW THE ACTUAL LIVING AND BREATHING FUCK IS SHE MARRIED AND I’M NOT)!!!!
- Logout of Facebook
- Nearest alcohol store
- Nearest Dominos
- Sexy sluts take a huge…..wait how did THAT get on there!!!!
FOUR: Being very attracted to younger men. Before you start Googling ‘Statutory Rape Lawyers’, I do mean of the legal variety. I guess I figured that as I got older my tastes would refine and I would be attracted to men my own age. NOPE. Honestly, what is this fresh slice of hell that while I’m getting older, saggier and my brain is going into the atrophy of early onset dementia, men are getting younger and hotter!
FIVE: Taking advantage of free alcohol. Somewhere deep in my subconscious brain I am still a lowly, destitute student struggling to get by on the pittance of a part time job at the supermarket and will do anything I can to get my filthy mitts on cheap or free alcohol. Now working in the marketing industry we do encounter events with free alcohol de temps en temps. Unfortunately for me these are usually relatively classy affairs and no one in these particular situations really wants to listen to the exceptionally loud and leery drunk girl talk about the time she nearly shat herself in the Cambodian jungle then watch on in horror as she attempts a slut drop on the dance floor falling face first into a pot plant.
This is by no means an exhaustive list but it is a fairly representative snippet of my life. The struggle is real people.
Nic xx