I thought it was about time to write a blog post about the true nitty gritty of dating in the age of Tinder. I’ve been putting it off as I have such mixed feelings about it (mostly all of them resulting in nausea) but it has provided me with many an amusing tale to tell (not all mine I might add, I’m totally stealing material here) and regardless of who’s it is, it’s time to share.
Jesus. Where to start. Ok so to frame up the sheer level of horror Tinder brings to my life, dating does not come naturally to me…at all. In fact, that is a gross understatement, I would rather hurl myself into a pit of frenzied alligators, whilst wearing Lady Gaga’s meat dress than go on a first date. I have absolutely no clue where this near psychotic fear comes from as meeting new people is one of my favourite things and is like a second nature to me. I think the answer may lie in my arch nemesis of ‘expectation’, but I shan’t delve into any deep psychoanalysis here, this post is purely for the lols.
I think the single biggest issue I’ve had with Tinder is navigating through the ‘DTF’ minefield (DTF, for those of you who are all loved up and have never had to go through this hell on earth, stands for ‘down to fuck’. Who said romance is dead, right?). Anyway there is an extraordinarily high proportion of ‘gentlemen’ on this app who are literally chomping at the bit to send you a picture of their erect penis (aka a dick pic, in today’s society). To be perfectly honest, I can’t say I absolutely relish the sight of one at the best of times let alone one that belongs to a perfect stranger who thinks his member is the one that is going to reduce me to a quivering puddle of lust on the floor. Sorry dude, just no. I have also discovered another, far more sneaky breed of DTFs who are more than happy to indulge in some small talk and spend just enough time and effort getting to know you to lull you into a false sense of security and then BAM!! Dick pic out of nowhere. Seriously FML.
Then there are the countless individuals who are harmless and probably perfectly lovely but have ZERO game. This is hard because although you feel for them, you equally know that continuing a conversation, let alone going on a date with this person is going to put you into a coma. No amount of cute dog profile pictures or shots of you dressed up as a Power Ranger at your mates party is going to make you interesting. (By the way I realise I sound like a ruthless asshole but the Tindersphere requires you to be a stone cold bitch on the odd occasion, it’s just the way it is).
One thing I’ll never understand is why on earth so many people opt to use completely misleading pictures of themselves (which are usually about 10 years old, in the prime of life, 20kgs lighter and on their Contiki in Europe). Question to you – ‘DO YOU THINK WE WON’T FIND OUT?!?!’ Maybe they are hoping against hope that they will either a) win us over with their stellar personality or b) get the chance to buy us enough drinks that it no longer matters and our standards hit the floor along with our dignity. I am all for putting your best foot forward, don’t get me wrong but this has made me devise my number one rule of Tinder – ALWAYS Facebook stalk first.
This brings me to a very interesting phenomenon and one I actually hadn’t experienced first hand until very recently….’The Catfish’. Apparently this is not just a programme on MTV and does exist outside of the States. So here’s me casually swiping whilst trying to pretend I’m up with the current affairs by having the news on in the background and ignoring it, and I see something that makes me stop in my tracks. Only THE most amazingly beautiful specimen of a man I’d ever laid eyes on. Of course I’m gonna have a little looksee at this creature of wonder even though I know I’d be batting so far above my average it’s not even a joke. It just gets better so I thought ‘why the hell not’ and swiped right…and matched. If you were to google the definition of ‘dumbfounded’, my face right then would pop up in an image search. Still I was like, ok well chances are he’s matching with everyone to give himself the most choice, as you would if you had a face like a cherub angel and a body of a Greek God. THEN HE STARTS TALKING TO ME. For about a split second I can’t believe my luck until I see what he has to say.
‘Your legs are asking for me, they said put your face between us’.
Now any other guy, I would have unmatched instantly however I was drowning in the dicksand and not thinking clearly so I made a (what I thought was clever, in hindsight a huge mistake) joke about him being some sort of vagina whisperer in an attempt to lighten up the conversation. And then it started. I’m not going to go into detail but apparently there are a lot of creative ways to ask for a snapchat picture of ones lady parts. I’m not sure if I was more aghast at the fact that someone was so blatantly asking for this or the fact that some women clearly oblige. Anyway I found the cherub angel again a few days later under a completely different profile. It actually scares me that there are people out there like this.
I could literally go on forever about the cluster-fuck that is Tinder but this is getting long already. The one thing I will say that I haven’t mentioned is that I’ve actually met a few really genuine, amazing people. It hasn’t been right yet but it gives me juuuuust enough hope to keep going despite the odd creep who tells me he’s going to lock me on his balcony. Yep. That happened.
Nic x